iPhones, girlfriends and flip-flops are all banned on planes

Did you know that among the list of things you’re not allowed to take on planes there’s lithium batteries (found in almost every Apple item since the first ever iPod), aerosol cans (just like the ones they sell in duty free before you fly) and sharp objects. Before you start asking if that includes pens, toothpicks, hair clips or just about a thousand other items you've probably carried onto a plane, it doesn’t. Apparently only knives and scissors are dangerous when it comes to airplanes.

What’s even stranger is that on Delta Airlines you are not allowed pocket knives, now does that mean you can take any knife that won't fit in your pocket? That leaves a lot of knives on the list. Confusing, no? Well, the real confusing thing is that there are several lesser known items that have been left off that really need to be added. I’ve compiled a short list of a few I think we can all agree should never be allowed on a plane.

For example; babies, which are a three fold problem on planes. They smell, they make loud noises and as soon as they reach 3 they end up kicking your seat for the duration of your flight. How about non in-ear headphones? You’ve all experienced this I am sure. There's that one guy with his music blasting way to loud for his own good, let alone the guy sitting 10 rows back from him. I mean the only positive note, sorry for the pun, is that he is going to lose his hearing within 2 years. So at least you can rest easy knowing that Karma is going to kick his ass. And these items are just the beginning. We might as well just throw the following in, after all, I’m sure we can all agree they should be banned; Flip-flops, smelly foods, flasks, FARTING (I mean come on, we’re all in a confined shared space, whoever it is just stop) BO (you know who you are) and last but def not least KELLY PESCOD. Yes that’s right, I've incriminated my own girlfriend, but then she's probably as bad as taking SARS or Uranium rods onto a plane. Even mentioning the word plane can set this poor girl off.

She’s the real reason I’m not so eager to travel back to the UK. It's not the weather, tax or Chavs that litter the streets, it’s the anguish of spending over a day locked in a 2x4 box with the world’s worst flyer.

So be aware when you next fly of the dangers that lurk at over 30,000 feet. The worst is blond, 5ft 5 and most likely popping sleeping pills.